Baby CJ
God blessed me at a very early age with what I have always dreamed of. My whole life I dreamed about being the best wife and mother. Growing up I dreamed of the perfect family with the perfect prince charming and most beautiful kids imaginable. December 2006 I became Heather Lynne Girton and those dreams came true. For me time flew by so fast I was afraid to blink. Before I knew it I had been married for three wonderful years and gave birth to two beautiful children. To top it off my husband and I gave birth to one girl and one boy. Who could have asked for more?
I married the love of my life knowing it was going to be a rough road. Being married to a soldier in the US Army is not an easy task, but I will say it is well worth it! We have had so many wonderful years filled with so much love, understanding and support for each other as well as our kids. As a married couple who have endured many hardships and obstacles that life had thrown our way we had found a way to be beyond grateful for what God had blessed us with. Little did we know we had not faced our most painful challenge yet.
May 15, 2010 will always be the worst day of our lives. A day that will replay in my head over and over again like a movie that has been set to replay. The 8 months prior to May had been a struggle to begin with. With a complicated end to my pregnancy and my husband sent away on deployment the road ahead was sure to be full of twists and turns.
Back in September of 2009 I went into preterm labor with my son Clinton Thomas Girton Jr. We called him CJ for short. It was a complicated two months before I delivered him in Fort Riley Kansas. When time came for delivery it was a complicated delivery. That day I had my first scare of losing my precious angel. It took two hours before CJ came out. I ended up passing out while in labor and the doctor and nurses had to push and pull him out without the help from me. When he finally came out he was not breathing and was extremely unstable for the first 45 minutes of his life. He had to be resuscitated right away and had extremely low apgar scores. The hospital kept us overnight for two extra days until he was showing signs of being stable enough to go home.
Luckily my husband was able to see the birth of our son. He missed our daughter’s birth in 2007 and did not meet her until she was three weeks old. He spent 5 wonderful days at home with our son before the Army called him back to Iraq from his emergency leave. I was placed on bed rest back in September when I went into preterm labor. I was unable to walk or move to take care of myself let alone care for a two year old toddler. It was an emotional time for the both of us to be apart, especially after the birth of the most beautiful boy we had ever seen. However it was something we had to do and we both understood that. After Clint left for Iraq I went home to Maine to be with my family for the holidays.
From day one I felt there was something wrong with my baby. Call it mothers intuition or what you may think but I knew there was something different and I could feel it deep in my soul. No matter how many times I felt it and expressed my concerns I was not taken seriously. I was told multiple times everything was ok and I had no need to worry. On Christmas Eve 2009 I had my first big scare with my son not breathing. He was gasping for air and immediately I thought he was taking after my father and brother with asthma. At the time I did what my step mother and I thought best and we striped him down to his diaper, wrapped him in a blanket, and took him out into the cold winter air to help his airways. I called the military nurse advice line right away. Being out of town you still have to take precautions to be covered by their health insurance. I rushed him to the hospital that was allowed by my health insurance with my stepmother which happened to be thirty minutes south of where my father lived. We learned that night that he had acid reflux and a broken collar bone that was six weeks old. Putting the time back six weeks you got his birth date! Little did I know at the time but the doctor who delivered CJ broke his collar bone to deliver him because he got stuck in my pelvis. Something they call shoulder dystocia. We were sent home with medication to help with the reflux and instructions how to be careful with the collar bone.
Within three weeks CJ got sick again. He was sick for two weeks with an upper respiratory infection. It almost became a monthly thing him getting sick with respiratory infections. We were constantly going into the doctors and expressing our concerns about his getting sick often and his being out of breath often. We started noticing he could only bounce in his bouncer or crawl around for so long before he started becoming short of breath and tiresome. By the end of April 2010 I took him to the doctors yet again for him being sick with fever and breathing problems. I thought he had another upper respiratory infection and was getting annoyed that he kept getting them and doctors were sending him home with nothing but Tylenol and Motrin. At this appointment I again expressed my concerns for CJ. The doctor informed me he had RSV but seemed to be getting over it so there was nothing she could or would do. She said it would simply run its course. She sent us home with nothing but advice to watch the fevers and he will be ok. A few weeks later would be CJ’s last visit to the doctors.
Along with all the hardships of his life there was so much love and happiness I had ever seen in a baby. So many accomplishments and understanding I didn’t know could come from such a precious little boy. He was the happiest baby I had ever seen. CJ was a mama’s boy through and through. There was no one else he preferred in this world than to be in my arms. I also did my best to make it know who his daddy was. I talked to CJ about his daddy every day. I showed pictures daily and there was no doubt he would grow to be a spitting image of the man I fell in love with. He was extremely smart for an infant as well. I was amazed at how fast he took to keeping up with his sister. He was crawling at four months just so he could play with her. She was the light of his life. The one he always looked for and laughed at. She was his favorite person. Not only did he take to her so well and was so fond of him but she was in love with him and being a big sister. She took such great care of him and showed him how to love all he saw. CJ was Alaina’s best friend. She talked to him constantly and shared all her imaginative ideas with him while showing him how to play with her dolls. He was the most loving baby God could have given to our family.
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To this day I can still remember everything like it happened yesterday. Every little moment. Every Tear. Every break I felt my heart make. There are things that I now realize that I didn't notice then, things that you just don't notice until you relive the memory every day down to every little detail. Things I'm not so sure I know how to explain. All I can say is it was a brief moment that God showed me peace before he broke my heart. A moment I can still feel when I close my eyes and think of how much I miss my baby. It was a moment God wanted me to remember as if he knew I would need this memory in order to stay strong.
I know now that I knew that morning something was different. I would have never known otherwise unless I spent every day thinking of every detail that started my day and ended it on May 15, 2010. This day will forever be the worst day of my life. I woke up that morning and felt a certain happiness and love. Alaina slept in for the first time in weeks that day and CJ just laid there with me in bed. He just soaked up the love and gave me slobbery kisses all morning. I woke up that morning thinking today is going to be a good day. The sun was out we had no plans but to snuggle together all day. I was happy with my life. We went about a lazy day in our pjs and all day I held CJ, played with him, and we talked to Daddy together on the webcam. When he fell asleep I took him to his bed. Realizing it now, my baby boy took one more moment to show me he loved me. As I laid him down for his nap he opened his eyes and looked at me and smiled. He was happy! The happiest baby I had ever known or ever will know. He just looked at me and put his little hands up to my face. Something he had done often which I decided was a trait he got from me. I comforted him back to sleep without realizing that was the last time I was ever going hold my baby again.
I can still hear myself screaming like some horror film you go to see in a movie theatre. It all happened so fast and it was like I was watching myself go through all the motions. After I lay him down for a nap I went back downstairs to give Alaina attention, watch movies, and eat lunch with her. After about an hour I went upstairs to check on CJ during his nap. Before going up the stairs Alaina had started to follow me like she did everywhere I went. Without evening knowing why I snapped on her and told her she needed to stay downstairs because CJ was sleeping and she didn’t need to follow me up stairs. I think now it was a way of God protecting her through me then but I felt bad cause she did nothing wrong. I walked upstairs hoping he would be awake and able to come downstairs to play with us and enjoy the rest of the day. It was spring and the sun was shining and I was hoping to take them in the backyard to play that afternoon.
When I walked in the room my world ended. I noticed he wasn’t lying the way I left him and my heart dropped before I even walked over to his crib. As soon as I touched him I knew something was wrong. Before I even picked him up I ran for my phone and dialed 911. God knows how I even managed to dial on a touch screen while crying and shaking. I put the phone on speaker and ran back in the room. I picked him up out of the bed and laid him on the floor while crying and screaming on the phone to the dispatcher. I tried my best to perform CPR but was unable to do so with the fluid that kept coming out of his lungs.
It took the EMS five minutes to get to the house. It seemed like hours at the time but really they got there fast. My one and only regret from them getting there was Alaina. I had to run down the stairs to unlock the door before the EMS got there and ran back upstairs to my baby’s side. I paid no attention to where my daughter was or what she was hearing. It was the one worst thing I could have done for Alaina. Had I not run down the stairs she would have never followed me up. The Ems got there 30 seconds too late. Since CPR wasn’t working and I didn’t know what else to do so I picked up my baby and I prayed. I prayed to God to save him, to help him, to leave his angel here with me. I prayed and prayed until the Ems ran in the room to take over. Unfortunately Alaina saw this last bit before one of the Ems grabbed her and took her out of the room. It took about ten seconds before they were out the door with CJ and on their way to the hospital.
I followed behind in a fire rescue truck. The fear and panic building up inside my chest. As soon as we got to the hospital Alaina was snatched up by a nurse and brought to a room away from the trauma room. The next hour was the longest hour I ever lived. They placed me in a room outside of the trauma room and told me to wait there. It was the loneliest I had ever felt and the most scared I had ever been in my entire life. The fear and anxiety took over and soon I was so upset I was getting sick. They let me in the room the last ten minutes before the doctor called off the nurses to stop resuscitation. In these ten minutes the pediatrician in the room tried to explain to me they couldn’t get him to breath on his own and that the Ems couldn’t pick up a heartbeat when they got to the house. They said they gave him as much IV shots that they could to help keep his heart beating but if they continued they would just hurt him. I didn’t know what to say except please help him. I cried, begged, and pleaded for them to save my baby. After ten minutes the pediatrician called of the nurses from performing cpr any longer and I sat there holding my baby until his heart stopped beating. He didn’t look like he was hurting he looked like he was sleeping, peacefully sleeping in Jesus’ arms now.
As his last heart beat left my heart shattered. All the crying stopped briefly and I was in disbelief. I was again watching myself outside of my body, which I did an awful lot over the next few weeks. So many people came piling into the room after he was pronounced dead. It got to the point everyone was asked to leave and MP’s were placed at the doorway. One thing I will always remember is the support found in strangers in that moment. We had a preacher and his wife find out about what was going on and they came and prayed for me. I could no longer find the energy or desire to pray while holding my son. The love they brought into the room filled it with what little happiness you could fill into a room full of heartbreak.
I stayed there for as long as I could before the hospital asked me to leave. They wanted to allow CID, military investigators, in the room to take the photos they needed before CJ started turning blue. They said they needed to get him to the morgue right away after CID finished with their protocol. In the next few days I would learn a lot about their protocol that gave me as a mother no control over anything.
Before I go any further with our grief and healing process I must add all this happened while my husband Clint was still deployed to Iraq. CJ’s father, who had spent only the first five days of his life with him. The only days he will remember having with his son. I phoned his unit back home as soon as possible and they had him notified with an already ready Red Cross message to get him home right away.
The next few days I don’t remember all that well. What I do remember is not being able to leave the parking lot after we were asked to leave the hospital. In being rushed to the hospital we did not have a car seat for Alaina. Not only did we not have a car seat but we were locked out of our house right away. One of the CID protocols we had no say in. Not that I had anything to hide and they were more than welcome to do what they needed to do but I was a “single” mom at home with a deployed husband and a two year old daughter who had needs. We were informed by the MP’s we could not drive away with her in a car without a car seat. So we sat in the parking lot of the hospital I now despised for at least a hour if not longer for a friend to bring us a car seat for Alaina.
As soon as we got back to my mother’s house CID was at the house interviewing my mother and myself. I was interviewed for around three hours. Again not that I had anything to hide but I had just lost my son and they came asking questions that they needed to ask and ones that shouldn’t have ever been asked about me. Questions that would make any person doubt who they are and start blaming themselves or questioning their way of thinking. It was a long hard sleepless night.
The next day we had family and friends coming from all over with love and support. I’ll never forget what our friend Stephanie Hollinsworth did for us. She came in ready to fight to keep us sane. My mother took care of Alaina for me for days because I found myself unable to even care for myself. I had no idea what I needed to do or where to even go. Michael Grimes, our kids Godfather and brother to us drove up to Kansas from Galveston Texas all night to get there. He brought Clint’s father with him. Within the next few days we had 15 people living in my mother’s house to support us. Stephanie being the great friend she is understood that we might get overwhelmed and bought a room for Clint and I at a really nice hotel for us to get away to when we needed. She stayed by my side until Clint’s plane arrived home and stayed supporting us for the next couple days. She took me to some places that I needed to go to and others to try and find out what was going on and why things were going the way they were.
It was hard to grieve as parents when we had no idea what was going on with our son or the CID investigation that was going on. It soon didn’t take us long before we felt that CID was making us uncomfortable. It got to the point that their investigation seemed to be trying to pin point our son’s death on me. They seemed quick to jump that I was a depressed stay at home mom with a deployed husband who was a neglectful mother. It was time to get some advice and legal support. We found ourselves a very helpful lawyer who was willing to support us for whatever we needed. As soon as we got a lawyer involved with the investigation CID changed their mood real quick. We were allowed back into our house and they seemed to back off of me knowing he was around every step they made. Once we had our legal support they stopped pointing fingers at me and started listening to what we had to say about all that happened medically prior to CJ’s death. They stopped calling al my friends and family questioning my parenting and started looking at facts that were right in front of their faces. Soon they started seeing all the holes in his medical records and soon started finding controversial findings in his medical records. Things Clint and I were unaware of until he passed away. It took one year before they closed their case and tell us his cause of death was SIDS related.
The funeral couldn’t take place until CID had a completed autopsy that was mandatory. When we spoke to the funeral director we decided being a military family there was no better place for CJ to be then with us. We arranged to have him cremated after the funeral. Before we set this in stone we got the ok from the hospital, the pathologist, and CID to cremate CJ’s remains after his funeral. This is exactly what we did. One thing I will say no mother or father should ever have to do is look through a book to pick out a urn that best fits their wants for their child. This was not something parents do as a milestone or memory in their child’s life! You should never have to look at urns unless you are buying your own for future reference.
It was a beautiful ceremony. There were flowers sent from many friends and family. I had worked all night the night before putting together collages in picture frames that still hang in my house today. I’m afraid that is all I really remember. After telling Alaina her brother doesn’t live with us anymore because he lives with God something in me snapped and I stopped remembering. I went around these days as a zombie doing what everyone thought I should be doing. Saying the things people wanted to hear. I didn’t really care to remember anything anymore at this point because I didn’t see the point.
It seemed like forever before we got his remains back. I was unsure how to feel when we got the phone call that he was returned to the funeral director and was ready for us to come bring him home. I found myself excited to get him back with me where he belongs but nervous because I knew he was coming home but not the way I had wanted him. It took my husband a few minutes to get me out of the car. I think we sat there and I just cried before we went in to get him. I did a lot of random crying at this point. Any little thing set me off. I was nervous and afraid to touch CJ’s urn. I found myself taken back from it. It wasn’t a homecoming I wanted. This was not how it was supposed to be!
My husband carried our son out to the car. He opened the car door to let me in and then he asked me to hold our son so he could drive us all home. I cried again. I was very taken back from this homecoming that I just couldn’t bring myself to accept it. Once I finally gave in and touch the urn for the first time I could feel my son with me. I felt him happy to have me holding him once again. All of a sudden I no longer was reluctant to hold his urn but was actually unwilling to let it go. I held my son for the remainder of the day and night until Clint told me it was time to put him down so I could try and sleep. From that day on, once we placed him down, we kiss him good night every night and tell him how much we love and miss him. Even Alaina kisses him and tells him how much she loves and misses him. Something I will never forget to do.
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For months I went around like a zombie. I questioned everything about myself and about what happened. One day it came to my attention that time does not really seem to stop all because my world has been shattered. It keeps moving on no matter what I think or feel. I just can’t believe it has dragged me along with it. As much as I want time to stop and rewind it keeps moving forward and I'm hanging on by a thread! It still feels like yesterday when God called my sweet angel home. I can still close my eyes and see every moment of that day. I can still hear his laugh as we played with Clint on the webcam. I can still smell him in the air, even if just for a moment. I can still feel every break my heart made. It is like I watch myself from the outside as a movie replays over and over in my head. Every scream, every tear, every second in those short minutes that went by. Why?
I hold onto that memory even though it’s so heartbreaking because it is the last time I held my baby boy. It was his last moments here that I just can’t let go. If you asked me I could tell you every minute and every detail from morning until it happened. I could even tell you every minute of the hour we spent in the hospital before the doctors stopped trying. I could tell you every second as I sat there and watched his heartbeat slow down until it stopped. I could tell you the moment it stopped that my world was shattered into pieces. What I cannot tell you is what was to come after. I was lost and have been lost for quite some time now.
So what is normal anymore? I am having a very hard time finding the answer to this question. What I remember normal being over a year ago is way different then what I am doing now. A year ago I had everything and I mean everything in tight wraps. My finances were okay. (I was always on top of my budgeting and bills) My life was in order. I had the perfect life. I have the most loving and supportive husband and one would be lucky to have. I have the most beautiful kids God could have given to me. (One boy and one girl at that! : D) A dog and a cat! It was what I have always wanted out of life. I had a happy family that loved me and I loved them! But now that normal that I knew and loved so much is broken. My family has been hurt beyond belief. How could this be? I still have the most wonderful husband in the world and the most beautiful little girl that could ever be. How could we have lost our sweet boy? Why would God do this to our family? What did we do wrong that says we deserve this heartbreak?
You know that’s another thing that gets to me. What did I do that was so wrong?? I try my best to be the best mommy in the world for my children. Anyone who has been around me for ten minutes can tell I am way cautious when it comes to my children and that I love them unconditionally. I would bend over backwards to make my kids happy and keep them safe. So again what did I do wrong. There are people in this world, people that I can not name at the moment, that neglect their kids, dislike their kids, abuse their kids, etc and God gives them another child??? Come on now! Where does that make sense? God would allow a horrible mother the opportunity to birth another child but then take mine away?? How is that even right? I just dont understand it. Is he trying to teach me a lesson? If so I dont get what he is teaching me? I try my best to be a good mom. Im by far from perfect cause like any mom I learn as I go. I have made mistakes but its a trial and error thing. Even with all that though, my children are safe and loved. Never once put in the position to be hurt. I just dont understand.
For a long time now I have fought with these questions in my head. For a long time now I have still no answers that I am looking for. I have come a long way in the past year and I still have more to overcome. Right now I am still looking for my new "normal" and still haven't found it. Maybe I never will. Im still holding on to so much that I'm not ready to let go of. So much that keeps me feeling CJ is still here with me. I am still waiting. I will always be waiting. Waiting for the day to come where God changes his mind and gives me back my baby. I will always wait for it. One day I will wake up from this horrible nightmare I am living and I will find my son in my arms where he belongs. I will never stop waiting for this day! My life will never be complete without him. I will never be truly happy without him. I pray to God every night to tell him I’m sorry for being angry at him and to ask his forgiveness. Maybe when he hears my prayers he will then see all the heart ache my family is going through. Maybe then will he believe we need our miracle?
Until then I will wait. It’s what I am good at. It is all I know how to do. So I will wait and one day, just one day my waiting will be over and this nightmare will end and I will be happy once again!
Taken from my personal Journal
There were a few weeks if not months of my life that I simple hardly remember anything! Why would I right? The pain is just too unbearable to think about! It has only been recently that I have started to want to live again and part of me still feels bad because how can I live without my son? How do I come back from this and think it is okay to be completely happy? Is there such a thing? There isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel this pain. What gets me most though is that time really does go on without me noticing. I have realized that it has been weeks then months and now years and I haven’t even noticed how I got here.
I then started the one more days and the what ifs. What if I had one more day? I found myself saying things I didn’t really think about. Hoping for things and wishing for things that deep down I knew couldn’t come true. One blog I wrote stated how I felt with all this. It stated:
“If I could have one more day to do and say all the things I wish I could now I would like to say Id be okay. If I could have one more day with you I would tell you everything you already know. I would tell you how much I love you. I would tell you how sorry I am for not being able to stop this from happening. I would ask you to forgive me for failing you. I would hold you close and I wouldn't let you go. I would tell you how much I missed you when you are gone. If God could grant me just this one wish I’d understand more. I'm so lost without you, but with one more day I could find myself once again.Why couldn’t I have one more day? I asked this question for weeks. I just didn’t understand why CJ? For a very long time I found myself angry with God. I blamed Him for taking my baby. I blamed Him for all the pain. Many nights I cried and screamed at Him for putting my family through this pain. All this love and gratitude I had for him the years before seemed to have disappeared and have been replaced with anger and jealousy. It took me months of this built up anger to be released before I realized instead of being angry with Him I should have been looking towards Him for guidance and support. For love and understanding. I should have been asking Him to help me find my way to healing so I could be the mother to Alaina I was meant to be.
This world just isn't the same anymore and I don't know how to go on without you. I find myself getting angry with people, with friends and family that I love. All because they have found a way to move on. I feel like I'm the only one still sad from missing you. With one more day I could take all this anger and throw it away. I would tell you many times how much I love you and how you are the best thing that has ever happened to me, how all my life I have dreamed of you. I would hold you and kiss you. I would close my eyes and smell you all around me. I would listen for your laugh that brightened every moment of my day. All of this would do me good if God gave me one more day!”
Taken from my personal journal
After my anger subsided I prayed that God would forgive me for all the anger I held against Him. For months and months I had been angry with Him and yelled at Him. For months I had cursed at Him and blamed Him. I knew CJ was with Him now and I knew he was in good hands. I can’t make excuses but I can say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the anger and hatred I gave to God because I was jealous CJ was with Him now and not with me. All this time I should have been trusting that He would take care of CJ, knowing that he was not alone. I didn't know that loving him could hurt so much.
Re-finding my belief in God confirmed my belief in Heaven even more. I found myself wanting to be better and do all I can so that when my time comes God will welcome me home to be with CJ once again. Still to this day I try to live my life the best I can without regret. To give to others and love others without judgment on them. Even though I have found this new coming it doesn’t mean I still don’t miss CJ like crazy. I still feel all the heartache and empty void that will never be filled again.
Many nights I stayed up and just talked to CJ. I told him things about Alaina or about Clint. I told him things that I had hoped and dreamed about for him. I talked about how I loved and missed him. I even wrote a letter one day in hopes he would get it in Heaven.
Dear CJ,
I write this letter to you in hopes that you hear it in Heaven. I cant believe today makes ten months since you have gone home to God. I hope Heaven is all that I dreamed it would be. I know you are well taken care of there. I hope that you have found your great grandfather. I know if you did there is nothing to worry about cause he is the best grandfather I could have ever asked for. I like to imagine that you did find him and that he sings to you like he used to sing to me. One of my favorite songs he used to sing was a called a "picture of me without you" by Lorrie Morgan. He used to always sing it to me while he rocked me. I hope you enjoy his singing just as much as I did. I hope you remember but I used to sing it to you too. I hummed it more than sang it cause I can’t sing good, but it used to calm you when I rocked you.
Imagine a world where no music was playing
And think of a church with nobody praying
Have you ever looked up at a sky with no blue?
Then you've seen a picture of me without you
Have you walked in a garden where nothing was growing
Or stood by a river where nothing was flowing
If you've seen a red rose unkissed by the dew
Then you've seen a picture of me without you
Can you picture heaven with no angels singing
Or a quite Sunday morning with no church bells ringing
If you've watched as the heart of a child breaks in two
Then you've seen a picture of me without you
I truly believe that you are there with him and he sings this song to you! It is one of my safe memories when things get rough. All I have to do is close my eyes and I can hear it. I miss you so much. I hate waking up without you here. There are days where I feel like I'm living in this horrible nightmare and I will wake up any minute to hear your cry, to see your smile. You are the most beautiful baby boy I ever saw and ever will see. I love you with all my heart.
Your Daddy and sister miss you too. It is so hard to see them going through all this. It breaks my heart even more to know I can’t heal them. We all try to be as normal as we can. I’m not sure we will ever be normal again, not without you. We all miss you so much. I’m not sure how we got here today, I can’t believe I have lived ten months without you. I never thought I would have to live a day without you here. I'm learning how to live without you even though I don't want to. I wish Heaven wasn't so far away. I would come to you if I could. I miss you every day and I will love you for forever! I will be with you again one day and I can’t wait to hold you and see you smile! I love you!
Love,
Mommy
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Doing Daily Activities were just not the same anymore. Simple things like eating, showering, waking up, falling asleep, etc. they were all a struggle to just simply do. I had absolutely no motivation to go about a normal day because I didn’t even know what normal was anymore. We moved out of our house because after CID gave us the house back I couldn’t find it in myself to go back to where it all happened. I no longer saw all the joy we had there but all the pain and loss that happened there. We got a townhome near one of the best friends I will ever have and tried to start fresh.
I placed every picture up in the house so I knew where every photo was of him. For weeks I avoided looking at them. Not because I did love my family but because the pain was still too much. When you look at a picture you capture all the wonderful memories in a single moment so you can remember it forever. My house is surrounded by all of our wonderful loving moments so in every room you can see all the love we feel as a family. I knowingly avoided every picture on my walls. On bad days they felt like a huge elephant in the room. It was like someone was watching my every move and so I sat there on those days on my couch and cried or I just simply sat there until the day was over. On good days where I didn’t feel an overwhelming feeling of sadness I could let one picture in at a time. Those days I did things to keep my mind busy and simple stealing a glance of the photo out of the corner of my eye.
I took months to get all the pictures back into total viewing for me. It was like letting a little pain in to let a little pain out so the good memories could have room to flood in over the painful ones. Today the painful ones are still there, I know they are I can feel them. I have a feeling they will always be there lurking in the corner of my mind. A permanent scar that everyone knows is there but only I can see. That doesn’t mean though that now I can’t remember the good times. Some days it all plays like a movie from beginning to end and I remember all the good times but then out of nowhere the painful memories sneak up on me. The first few times it was hard to deal with because the emotions were contradicting to each other. One second you are feeling a sense of peace and happiness remembering the love and laughter of that moment and then the next its heartache, pain, and sadness. It got confusing and overwhelming to have both emotions at the very same time.
It took even longer to look at another baby or even hold another baby. Like most people we did a lot of Wal-Mart shopping. I will say I never noticed how many mothers went there that had babies from the ages of newborn to under a year old until I didn’t have my baby anymore. I saw mothers with babies everywhere! It was like an infestation of mothers and babies. Every corner you turned, every aisle you walked down, and every checkout lane you tried to pay in there was a baby. What is even worse than seeing babies is seeing an old friend who hadn’t heard the news yet. It’s extremely hard to say anything to your friends when they see you and ask where the little one is. All you can do is stand there silently until they put everything together by the extreme awkward silence. In the end you walk away thinking you never want to come to Wal-Mart again.
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I have heard it said that you don’t know who your true friends are until you go through hard times. Well this I found out to be true. Many of the friends I thought I had disappeared all together while others shone through like shining stars. It is because of these people my husband and I were able to stay sane and support each other through all that we faced. The love and support we received was beyond what we could have imagined.
Since May 15 I have felt very lost in my purpose in life. I have always known when I grew up I wanted to be a mom. It is what I love to do. It is what I am best at! From the moment I conceive on I am in total enjoyment. I love the whole process of pregnancy, labor, and all the enjoyments a child brings to your life! This is what I am meant to do.
After CJ passed away I couldn't help but question all this. Am I really meant to be a mom? If so why is God taking my baby from me? I have struggled daily with all of this and really my confidence has gone down dramatically. There was a few months were I didn't care about myself at all. What was the point of getting out of bed? Why even bother with anything when God was going to take it all away in the end? I lost my self for a while. Amanda Katsilas showed me there were other things I could do to keep my mind off things. She was with me every day since it happened and I will forever be grateful she didn't go running for the hills like most people did. Mandi showed me I could put my thoughts and feelings into making things. I have always been a crafty person but never pushed for it. I started taking way more photos then I normally do and I am a photo fanatic. I started pulling out the scrap books again and making my memories into art.
Then I found out her mom quilted! Something hit me and I asked Mandi if her and her mom would make Alaina a quilt in memory of CJ. I must say it is the best quilt I have ever seen in my life! Alaina loved it the moment she got it and I asked Mandi to show me how to make one! We spent all summer and fall sewing and doing crafts. It was the worst summer of my life cause I struggled emotionally with the loss of CJ, but then again I learned so much and Mandi was there helping me get through! If it were not for the support and love from Clint, Mandi, and many of my friends like her, I would not have been able to pull through and find the love this world still has to offer.
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There are many things I wonder about. Many questions I ask and don't know how to answer. Many things I've thought about and wonder, did that really happen? Or moments that happen and I think I've done this before. (déjà vu like moments) I recently read a book called Heaven is for real. I got the idea to buy it and read it from another mother who lost her baby. She talked about it in her blog and how great of a book it was and how it gave her hopes and beliefs. She was right; it is a great story to read. It is a story about a little boy who at the age of 3 almost died. It is truly amazing what he went through and his trip to heaven and back. Reading this book I found so many emotions going through me. Excitement for what to look forward to. Questions I have that I can’t get answers from. Also beliefs that I have had all along being confirmed and in even more detail then I could have ever imagined.
I do believe in Heaven and I have all these ideas of what it will be like. I get nervous if I am worthy of heaven and I hope and pray that I am. I know that one day I will see my son again. I miss him so very much. There are things I want to say to him. I want to tell him how much I love him. There are things I want to see him do, like walking or talking. I want to see who he would grow up to be. Most of all I want to hold him and show him how much I love him. I wonder though if he already knows all this. I wonder if he tried to tell me things. I wonder if he tries to tell Alaina things. So many things that happen over time make me wonder. Like one night, Alaina had been sick with really high fevers and coughing all the time. When she fell asleep she started talking in her sleep and she was talking to CJ. I couldn't make out everything she was talking about and I don't know what he said to her but I know they were playing together. That makes me wonder if that is him coming to comfort her or does he miss her and wanted to see her. Maybe both because it’s not the first time she talked to him since he has left. There are days where she is playing in her imagination world and she is playing and talking to CJ. Times like these make me believe that yes he does miss us and he wants us to know he is there, at least that’s what I hope it is.
I also wonder if when you go to Heaven you can see what the future has to hold. For a while now Alaina talks about how she has a sister. I have asked her before and she claims her and CJ have talked about it. At the time this happened I had no other pregnancies besides Alaina's and CJ's. So where would Alaina get the idea she has a sister? A sister she talks to when she plays. It’s confusing to me and makes me wonder. There is so much out there that I do not know. One day I will know and one day is a day I look forward to. I have so much I need to do before then. When that one day comes though I will welcome it with open arms and that one day is coming soon. Recently we are expecting and I hope and pray all that Alaina knows is true because it will confirm that there is so much out there that we do not know or understand that little kids are open to.
It has been two years since we lost our precious angel. Two years is not a long time at all and our wounds are still very painful. In these two years though I feel we have learned so much, grown so much, and loved and lost more than anyone should ever have to lose in any given time frame. I have found that the moment I lost CJ I became an angry mother, like any mother would. A feeling of failure to protect my baby became overwhelming and anger built up inside of me with all the hurt and pain of not having him home with me. Then the anger gained jealousy which I took out on God. He took my anger away and then He loved me. This is when most of my pain came out in sadness but it made room for memories that brought more happiness. Even though I could remember happiness I didn’t feel happy. Time brought acceptance but not understanding. That is still something I will have to work on for years and will probably never understand. Understanding that I will not understand is a step in the right direction. I have also now found hope. A hope that gives meaning and understanding for a life that is still ahead of me. A life that involves a future for my daughter and all the wondrous memories she will bring to our lives. My hope also brings the motivation and desire to keep my son’s memory alive. Helping people to understand who have lost that they are not alone in this and helping those who do not understand what it is that mom’s like me go through and struggle with just to keep moving on. I have learned that even though bad things happen to good people God does give you those little moments that you will remember for the rest of your life. Those little moments that are cherished. Those little moments are what makes you hold on for something more, something you don't even know what it is until you have reached it. God gave me those moments so I can see the love that is still all around us to help us through. God only takes the best angels to Heaven and He needed mine. I will never know why and I may never understand why. I miss CJ more and more every day! I love him with all my heart and soul and always will! I wait for the day that God will bring me home to see my sweet angel again! Until then I’m looking and living for those moments!
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