Happy 25th Birthday!
It seems crazy to me that we are here, your 25th birthday. Twenty-five years since the last time we saw you, touched your sweet face, smelled your sweet smell, the list could go on and on.
Every year this day seems to sneak up on me, yes, I know it's coming, but I'm never prepared. Why do we have to celebrate your birthday like this? Why can't we plan a birthday dinner and birthday presents? There are moments I literally want to scream WHY!? I hate this so much!
This year's birthday has hit me extremely hard. I don't know if it's because it's a big one or am I just forgetting that every year is this hard? I cry at home when I'm sitting there alone, I cry when your dad and I are just watching TV, I seem to cry a lot. You've missed so much in this life. We've missed so much. I often wonder who you would be today, would you have gone to college, would you have a family of your own? Are you able to see us? Do you know you have the most perfect niece and will have another one soon?
I have met so many amazing friends because of you. It's a club no one wants to be a part of, but here we are all bonded by the worst part of our life. I value those friendships so much because they get it, they understand that even though it's been 25 years it still sucks! They're the friends that when we see each other we see it in our eyes, the pain that will never go away, the light that was once there is now different, dimmer than it would it be if you were here. Sadly, new friends seem to join this club more often. Each time someone knew comes along those of us that have been here awhile hurt as well, we understand the pain of that moment, all the "firsts" that come along without you there. We know that sometimes year two or three are somehow harder than the first. Is it because the first one we are anticipating the pain and the ones to follow we are busier, and they sneak up? I have no idea; I just know it all sucks.
This year especially I have thought maybe I should go to a grief group, I never did after you were born. I had an amazing support system through church and our family and friends were amazing. Of course they're all still amazing, but we've moved on, we are all at different stages of life and that's great! Yet somehow, I find myself not going because most of those people are fresh in their grief. would they judge me, I highly doubt it, but it's hard to put yourself in that situation. I'm good, so please don't worry about me, I just struggle at times with all the why questions.
So, I'll end this with I hope you're having the best time in heaven, I hope you can see how great we all are. You brother and sisters are amazing, and dad and I are good. I know with each passing day it's one day closer to you and I have NO doubt that will be the best reunion in heaven. Until then we will never let your memory fade, and you will forever be a huge part of us. If you could send us some signs from time to time, we would love that so much! Keep dancing with Jesus, your baby sibling, Sophie and all your loved ones.
We love you and HAPPY 25th BIRTHDAY!!
